Mentality
by khloride
Summary: What defines Ax? How does he relate to he fellow Andalites, his brother, and his human friends? Two one-shots at different times in the series. Rated T because the concepts could be misconstrued.
1. Aristh

Set early in the series - time frame and sequence of events not perfect - before Ax has any contact with other Andalites.

* * *

><p>Arrogant.<p>

That is what they call us. We are not arrogant, we are Andalites. We are an ancient species, much older than the humans, and though there may be some older than us, we are by far the most advanced in the universe. Why should be not be proud of our accomplishments? But saying that we are arrogant is going too far; it is very insulting.

I have come to the conclusion that perhaps my friends believe I am arrogant because of my lack of emotional response to killing. I believe that they would have a stronger reaction towards me in this aspect if not for Rachel's disturbing attachment to it.

When I kill another species, my lack of reaction is not because I believe that I am better than they are. I do not need to believe in my superiority. For one matter, I have killed him; therefore, I have bested him. _I_ am superior to that _individual_. Second, if Andalite technology is more advanced than theirs, then by definition we are superior. But thirdly, the reason why I can mentally handle the concept of taking another being life is because I have been preparing for it my entire life. My entire aspect is different.

To kill another being is part of an old Andalite sacrament.

It began in the time of the ancients. It was a time when our tail blades meant life or death. We had to use them to protect ourselves against our predators. We do not have predators today. But we are forever thankful that we have retained our tail blades. But we still follow the rituals that follow the slaying of our enemies as though it were ancient days.

For example, I have eaten with Cassie's and Jake's families. Jake's family says a prayer before their meal. Cassie's does not. Jake's family prepares themselves so that they can eat the food with the proper reverence to their beliefs. The same is not true with Cassie's family. While I am certain based on Cassie's behavior towards all things, she appreciates her food, she does not have the same spiritual outlook or understanding that Jake or I would have.

Andalites perform rituals at the start and the end of the day. We do not perform eating prayers because we are almost constantly eating throughout the day so long as we are on decent grass. But we perform rituals before going into battle, after returning from a failed battle, after returning from a successful battle, after losing a comrade in battle, after losing a comrade not in battle, and so on. Everything has a deeper spiritual purpose. It means something to us. How we wage war has roots to our ancient past. We do not have the same outlook at what we do as the humans.

So they deem us arrogant.

I do not really listen to them. They are a primitive and backwards society. What they are expected to know by my age I knew when I was but a small foal. I wonder if there is something wrong with their brains. Their overall comprehension of mathematics and the sciences seems hindered in some way. Perhaps their brains simply cannot absorb and remember as much information an Andalite brain.

If this is the case, then I think we have nothing to fear from the humans other than if the war is lost and they are taken by the Yeerks. Although, the rate at which they have advanced is startling. It took them approximately six decades from their first flight in order to achieve lunar landing. We were able to accomplish the same feat after a few centuries – time adjusted according to their years. Yet there are so few of them that seem as though they can mentally comprehend the most advanced of their limited sciences. No, we will have nothing to fear from them.

Sometimes I wish I could just tell them. I wish I could tell them that everything they are doing is wrong, that I know a better way because we already discovered it. It is not allowed. I will not be responsible for my own version of Seerow's Kindness. But when I watch them and their primitive fumblings, I cannot help but express my frustration at their efforts and our superiority. So they call me arrogant. Even my prince thinks I am arrogant.

It does not help that I am reduced to silence for I am right but cannot speak against my prince. I see their errors. I know more advanced technologies and systems. Everything they do seems to be inefficient when I compare it to my people. But there is nothing I can do. I must listen to them because my prince is one of them. He constantly orders me not to address him by his title. That would be such disrespect; that is not acceptable. He tells me that he is not a prince so it cannot be his title. He may not technically be a part of the Andalite military, but I am not of a high enough rank to command myself. The code I follow dictates that I have a prince to follow. He would have me think independently and vote on what to do. That is inefficient.

Democracy only works for civilians, not for warriors. And his chosen system of democracy is flawed. There is too much indecision and infighting. Our system of democracy for our civilians at home is far superior. The voice of the people is always heard and followed. I believe that even those who do not win elections are still satiated. I would not know. As part of the military, I am not allowed to vote.

I was taught not to question my superiors. But when one works with another person so closely, it cannot be helped. I made disrespectful remarks of my former captain, Old Hoof and Tail, but I never questioned him. With Prince Jake, he questions himself with every decision, sometimes leading me to question him as well. I _never_ questioned my captain. When I would watch him command, every decision and every order was distinct and sharp, never wavering. The same cannot be said of Prince Jake. Although I question many of his choices, I believe he is the best prince out of my options.

My pondering has, to my horror, led me to question my dear brother. It has occurred to me that Elfangor did not behave like any other Andalite I've ever known. Some of his mannerisms remind me of the humans. He would shrug and roll his eyes. It was something I thought was unique to him. Andalites are taught not to pick up behaviors from other species because it is considered degrading. But Elfangor always seemed to hold tradition and custom is such peculiar regard.

Whenever he knew he was being watched, he did his best to act like he was a normal Andalite. But being his brother, I noticed that when he was alone, sometimes he would simply sit and contemplate. What he thought about was always a mystery. He was not a scientist; he was a warrior. He always told me that fighting is instinctive. A great fighter clears the mind and allows his tail and stalk eyes to command the rest of his body. What could he possibly be pondering about for hours on end? The more time I spend with the humans, the more I am inclined to think that Elfangor behaved much like them. Could he have possibly been touched by humanity?

No, that is impossible. That was the first ever dome ship to enter Earth's space proximity. We were the first Andalites – Visser Three not included – to ever have contact with humans.

He must have known something. He had the biggest heart of any Andalite I ever knew. Loss was always at the back of his eyes. He said I would understand one day. But I still can't comprehend how such a celebrated warrior could act like none of it mattered. He always told me to do as I was told. How often did I see him performing his own daily tasks? I don't think I ever saw him. I always just assumed it was because he preferred privacy. Maybe it was something more.

Maybe he thought the way humans do too. Humans seem to think too much about things other than what is important. Elfangor told me that family was most important. Family is closely related to things of the heart. I was taught that our rituals are paramount. Family is part of what every Andalite should hope to achieve, but there are many other rites to be completed. Elfangor never illustrated his concern about the other rites. He was different. But everyone overlooked that because of his status.

I wonder if I really do wish to be just like him. I only knew the Elfangor that he presented. What did he think about? What were his real views? Why did he reject tradition? Why did it seem he reflected what I see today; was it humanity?

The answers elude me. For now, I shall not concern myself with petty thoughts. I must focus on the spiritual significance of my current and future actions. I always strive to match emotion, reverence, and ritual. Success leads me to a perfectly balanced mindset so I can be without troubles. Humanity and their overly emotional "logic" shall not affect me. The good of the People, for whom I pledge my life to every morning, must be upheld. There is no room for matters of the heart in the pursuit of enlightenment.

The Andalite nature is superior.


	2. Lyrical Epiphany

Set mid 54, just before Ax returns to his people. (I love bagpipes.)

* * *

><p>It began with music.<p>

Humans all listen to music. They have many types of music and countless instruments to create said music. They record and save the sounds so that they can be heard on demand at any time from small portable devices called radios and walkmans. There is even a new device called an iPod, but it is expensive, so I do not have one.

Andalites have music. But we are not addicted to it as humans are. We, even with our advanced technology, do not even have as many instruments as they do. We live very close to nature, and our instruments reflect those of what the humans call primitive societies. I am not sure how I feel about our music being compared to the early humans when humans are already so primitive. Our main instruments of music are drums. We have traditionally fashioned ours out of hollowed pieces of wood. There is even some Andalites that have been experimentally manufacturing them out of various metals to create a different sound. But many the traditional Andalites are against them. I was included in those against the new sound, but now I think I would enjoy the new sounds.

Humans, on the other hand, are willing to use almost anything for a drum. They use wood like us, but as I saw on television on a show called Stomp Out Loud, they are willing to use almost anything, including trash receptacles and plumbing. It was also the most violent and spectacular playing of instruments I've ever seen. But, while it is not inconceivable that such items could be used, it had never occurred to me that one would ever do such a thing. I am told that drums are a type of percussion instrument. Anything that makes sound while being beaten is percussion. It is logical in terms of the definition and method of play.

Andalites would appreciate the string instruments the most. I recall as a child plucking a taught string or wire and finding a pleasing sound, but it is a wonder that we never exploited it. Humans not only pluck the string, but also draw a bow across it. The most complex of these instruments seeming to be the piano. It is played by pressing a key which in turn causes a hammer to hit a sting that is housed inside a large frame. It would seem to be percussion because you are hitting the key with a finger and the string is being hit by a hammer, but it is still a string that is being played. My friends have not indicated to me whether or not I have correctly classified the piano. I believe Andalites would excel with the string instruments because they require dexterous fingers. We have a natural advantage over them as they lack two fingers on each hand.

My favorite type of instruments is the winds. Perhaps it is my favorite because we cannot create such sounds on our own as we lack mouths. The horns, the trumpets, the trombone, the clarinet, the flute, they are amazing. I do not like the bagpipes. I find the sound too harsh and grating on the eardrums. Everyone seemed to agree with me except for the late Rachel. I do not know how she withstood the pounding and grating of such sounds on her eardrums. I much prefer the saxophone. It is sound that I shall never forget. If I could learn to play one and share it with my people, I think they might be able to understand the human's fascination with music. Rachel did not agree me concerning the "sax."

But this brings me to an aspect of music that most assuredly separates Andalites from Humans, singing. Like our situation with the wind instruments, we physically cannot sing. I have discovered that singing in thought-speech is not as pleasant as the concept. Singing was meant to verbal. Marco seems to be the only person I have found that thinks thought-speak singing is acceptable. His singing is not pleasing in either form. Sometimes, I heard Cassie singing pleasantly while working in the barn. Songs with lyrics are most vexing to me. A song's lyrics are often quite poetic. Taken alone, they can be a bit repetitive. But it is the music that couples with them that makes the song whole. I find the sad songs with uplifting music and happy songs with depressing music most vexing. I would often listen to the same song multiple times in order to attempt to discern its meaning, but the subtleties of the English language have made it very difficult. It is an aspect of human music that I'm not sure that we, as Andalites, could ever hope to recreate.

The lyrical component to human music shows the depth of mankind. Andalite music is somewhat akin to what Marco calls elevator music. Human music displays the depth of the emotional side of the human mind. The range of sounds that can be created with their multitude of instruments allows one to experience a thoughtful response coupled with the typical emotional response. But the lyrics touch the soul. They trigger an onslaught of introspective thought which is met with a tsunami of feeling. For the most provoking of songs, I cannot hope to be able to describe my full reaction.

Such power human music has. For Andalites, it would be revolutionary. It has led me to believe that for the good of traditional Andalite culture, human music should not be introduced at home.

Music is the most transcendent form of humanity and introspection that I have seen in my lifetime.

Andalites, as a whole, are not an emotional race. We take part little in introspection. We rarely express our feelings openly. We are constantly being told to suppress them and to live with a level mindset. In order to maintain this mindset, our lives revolve around rituals. When I tried to describe it to Tobias, he deemed it akin to religion. After reading about religions, I do not think it is a religion. The human religions seem to be belief systems that attempt to explain that which the humans do not understand. In contrast, we are simply giving meaning to the daily tasks. Rather than trying to understand and question, we simply find spiritual meaning in how our actions relate to the Andalite community, then we accept and move on.

Ever since arriving on Earth, I have been forced to go beyond anything that I had been taught. I was forced to accept things that I found extraordinary as something so profound that they are rarely considered noteworthy by humans, but that is not important here. I was only an _aristh_. I knew only the equivalent of my culture that my friends knew of theirs. I knew my principles quite well. I always practiced my morning and evening rituals perfectly, but I was lacking was the years of reinforcement that warriors and princes have. The straightforward thinking I'd been taught all my life was being questioned.

I wonder how I would have reacted in various scenarios if I had already had the discipline of a full warrior. As an _aristh_, I knew the rules. But as a warrior, I would have had the experience to deal with my situation as my Andalite superiors and untainted culture would have expected of me. As my time on Earth turned from days to months to years, I lost my insight into what the will of what my commanders would have been. I could no longer predict what orders I would have been given. I no longer knew what I should be doing. I followed the only task I knew was always constant, to follow my prince, which I performed on a daily basis as I had been taught, except my prince happened to be human.

I started to become lost. As we get older, we become more involved in our society. We learn more and more about our selected sciences, my chosen science being that of combat as I elected to join the military. But we also learn more about our culture and customs. As an _aristh_, I was taught the basic morning and evening rituals and the pre- and post-battle and death rituals. Nearing my completion of my training, I would have been taught other rituals. I never learned them.

Everyone must perform their rituals. As a young foal in school, I had a morning ritual that I performed in unison with the other students in my class. If I had taken the path of a scientist, I would have different practices as well. What they would have consisted of, I know not. Every Andalite performs daily rituals. To not practice them is looked down upon, giving them the stigma of an outsider rejecting society.

I was losing my connection to my people. I had to perform my rituals lest I lose my last tie to my people. But it was becoming harder and harder to think like them, to feel like them. I felt as though the distance between us was growing. I didn't know how to handle my flooding emotions. To my knowledge, I was not supposed to even be having them. Suppressing them as I had been taught was insufficient.

And so, it began with music.

The lyrics, it was like they opened a new part of my consciousness. I began to think things that I had never conceived of before. The words voiced my inner self.

_When I was younger, so much younger than today  
>I never needed anybody's help in any way<br>But now these days are gone, I'm not so self-assured_

How was it they can perfectly describe how I am feeling without ever knowing who I am? There must be something more to these humans than meets the eye. Could this be how they manage their struggle with conflicting thoughts? What can music teach me about myself?

_How does it feel?  
>To be without a home<br>With no direction home, like a complete unknown  
>Just like a rolling stone?<em>

Yes, that's exactly how it felt. It felt like I had no control. I was moving in whichever direction the hill I was tumbling down wanted me to go. There was no way to get home. There were no Andalites willing to come to our aid and take me where I belonged. I didn't believe my friends could ever understand. My leaders had abandoned me, and I was tumbling down.

_Did I ask too much? More than a lot  
>You gave me nothin' now it's all I got<br>We're one but we're not the same  
>Well we hurt each other then we do it again<em>

Did I really expect war to be as simple and as glorious as the stories I'd heard growing up? The War-Princes, full of arrogance, boasted of quick and clean battles where they disposed of Yeerks in the same manner that humans dispose of a banana peel (which is a waste as it is delicious though bitter). How did it they do it? What was I missing? Why wasn't I like them?

_Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery  
>None but ourselves can free our minds<br>Have no fear for atomic energy  
>'Cause none of them can stop the time<em>

Perhaps humans do have something they can teach us. They have done so much harm to themselves. They have so much to fear in their little world. They have found an escape, expression. I was a fool for trying to remain impartial to my emotions. It was the way of the _aristh, _let the Prince handle all affairs. The pain I carried was not just from the weight of trying to avenge my brother, but the fate of the human world, possibly even my world. Who knows what the Yeerks could have done with six billion human hosts at their disposal? But it is not Earth that is a cold world, it is mine.

_Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see  
>It's getting hard to be someone but it all works out<br>It doesn't matter much to me_

Should I give in to my new found humanity? I am an Andalite; I must stay with my people. I am an Animorph; I must discover what that means. Could my upbringing be trapping me from making the greatest move forward into the realm of what it truly means to be Human? Can I remain an Andalite yet somehow hold humanity in my heart?

_All I see turns to brown as the sun burns the ground  
>And my eyes fill with sand as I scan this wasted land<br>Trying to find, trying to find where I been_

My memories of my life before Earth are faded. Not because my memory has deteriorated, but because of the stain of emotional pain. Even now, with the war over and the consequences of my decision close to fruition, I still cannot overcome the hurt. If I have learned anything, it is to appreciate what I have. Would it be a waste to try to return? Is there a going back? I do not think like an Andalite anymore.

_Is this the real life?  
>Is this just fantasy?<br>Caught in a landslide  
>No escape from reality<em>

I cannot stay here. There is too much temptation. I would lose who I once was if I remain under the influence of humanity. But would that be such a bad thing? I know I will never take humans for granted again, but I cannot remain with them. If I do, I fear I shall stray too far from my path as an Andalite. I must return to my people, because I am an Andalite. Even Elfangor returned eventually.

_That's me in the corner  
>That's me in the spotlight<br>Losing my religion  
>Trying to keep up with you<br>And I don't know if I can do it_

They say I stand alone now. They say that I am no longer in my brother's shadow. They say that to them, we stand side by side as proud Princes who have slain many Yeerks and saved countless innocent lives. Elfangor, the great tide turner, and Aximili, the finisher of the war. I know the truth. I know what role each of us really had in the war. I will always be the little brother. I think of my accomplishments, but what can I do? Could I have given up my life for the hope of an alien race?

_Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?  
>Dreams of loneliness<br>Like a heartbeat drives you mad  
>In the stillness of remembering<br>What you had  
>And what you lost<em>

If I return, perhaps I can find myself again. I do not think I see myself here on Earth anymore. There are too many memories, too many mistakes. There are no more excuses for me to stay. How would that look to my people? I must respect tradition, no matter how lonely they make me feel.

_I've been crawling on my belly  
>Clearing out what could've been<br>I've been wallowing in my own chaotic  
>And insecure delusions<em>

Why can I not be certain of my decision? I know it is the proper thing to do; it is expected of me. Marco would like me to stay. Prince Jake mutters incomprehensibly. Cassie wants me to do what my heart tells me. My hearts want to ask Tobias, but I cannot find him. I was lost without my people. He is lost without his Rachel. They cannot help me.

_I heard your voice through the photograph  
>I thought it up and brought up the past<br>Once you know you can never go back  
>I gotta take it on the otherside<em>

I swallowed my emotions. I have chosen to return, I must act like an Andalite. My friends, they will never know the turmoil I have felt. It is no fault of their own. How could a human possibly understand an Andalite? It is what is expected, even if it is not what I want.

_And if I only could  
>Make a deal with God<br>And get him to swap our places  
>Be running up that road<br>Be running up that hill  
>With no problems<em>

Humanity has taught me how to reflect. It has taught me what life really means. It has taught me the complexity of emotions and that logic is not absolute. No Andalite could ever believed that logic is subjective. Do I return to my people to show them the way or to escape what I learned?

Rachel once told me that there's no going back. Could she have been right?

_It hurts to set you free  
>But you'll never follow me<br>The end of laugher and soft lies  
>The end of nights we tried to die<em>

_This is the end_

* * *

><p>Music lyrics in order of appearance:<br>Help by The Beatles  
>Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan<br>One by U2  
>Redemption Song by Bob Marley<br>Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles  
>Kashmir by Led Zeppelin<br>Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen  
>Losing My Religion by R.E.M.<br>Dreams by Fleetwood Mac  
>Stinkfist by Tool<br>Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers  
>Running Up That Hill by Placebo<br>The End by The Doors


End file.
